Hey kings and queens, my name is Jun! I’m Hmong- American and the middle child of five kids. I have one older brother, one younger brother, and 2 twin sisters who are about a decade younger than me. This blog exists, to share with you my creative work and to encourage you to set goals and dream big.
THE YOUNGER YEARS
My childhood was quite sad. My mom was working extremely hard to feed all 5 kids on her own while my father spend his days sleeping, going to the gym, getting drunk, and scaring us to death. I remember at 8 years old, I wanted a happy family. It was impossible with my father. His idea of a happy time were getting drunk, screaming at us, and threatening to kill us. We all spent years walking on eggshells around my father. It was prison all the time. Someday, I will have to write a book and share more of my experiences with you all.
THE CHANGING YEARS
It took nearly 15 years, before my mother finally found the courage to leave my father. It was the first time I felt hopeful. It was like a bright light at the end of a very dark tunnel. When we finally left and drove out of state to live in a small town in Wisconsin, it was like breathing fresh air for the first time. I was happy for a while.
Just when I was happy and free, I got hit hard with depression. All those years of listening to my father’s degrading words, made me feel like I was never good enough for anyone or for myself. At school, I hanged out with the troubled kids. I can fake happiness with them and felt comfortable. I never shared my mess with my mother, because she was still trying to clean up her own mess.
Bad foods became my best friend, and I put on lot of excessive weight. I had bad thoughts and went to dark places in my mind. I’ve would often tell myself that the world is a better place without me. I even believed that killing myself will end the pain. Yet, in the back of my mind, I didn’t want to pile more stress on my mother and didn’t want my siblings being on their own and watch them struggle. My deadbeat father didn’t help with any child support, so my mother had to work extra hard for all of us.
THE GOOD YEARS
About two years after we settled into our new life, I felt better. I realized that it’s okay to talk about my feelings and cry at times. That it’s okay to be sad and be imperfect. I started being around more positive people who supported me and i’m working on loving myself. My mom said, “People will only love you as much as you love yourself. And that your world around you will change.” She’s right. She showed me it’s okay to start over and create a beautiful life. She was once married to a monster.
From losing friends, increasing my self-love, and facing my fears, I realized that life is as happy as you make it to be. That people don’t stay forever and pain is growth. Through my belief in God and my mom, I changed my life and became a better version of myself. I started eating better, working out, and doing the things I love. Through writing, arts, and music, and video editing. I found the things that I love and have passion for.
So, to all the guys and girls who are feeling like they are struggling, worthless, and alone, you’re more than you believe. It’s okay to cry, to be hurt, and feel like a failure everyday. You are perfect being imperfect. Whatever people think or say because it has nothing to do with you. It’s your life and you can choose to be happy. Let’s stop trying to fit into society’s BS box and just be ourselves. You’re not alone. You’re first. You are enough. Together, let’s learn to respect and love ourselves. Keep living and always keep smiling.